Fade away

She sat there looking at the people running around the small picturesque village living their lives like hamsters on a never-ending wheel

She studied them carefully for a while like lab rats meant to cure cancer, trying to understand them, trying to figure out the miniature webs that held them together

Wondering if sometimes they felt lost as she did or if not, if they had discovered the meaning to their whole existence

She wondered if she had lost herself amidst trying to find love, the love that had made her cross a thousand miles, the love that had had her believing in things she had previously thought to exist only in telenovelas

The stubborn love that had her thinking she had been moulded and perfected for just one being, the love that made her ignore any and all warnings- besides, no one ever goes for the safe bet

She wondered if the weird pit in her stomach would ever go away, it was like she was being consumed from the inside

She wondered if this was the end of her story

A story she had worked so tirelessly to bring to life

A story which she had felt so lucky to star but a star that was now fading so quickly, so unapologetically

A star she had guarded so vigilantly but I guess she had held on so strong it didn’t have any space to shine

I guess she had gotten so used to not shining bright that she didn’t mind fading away

Away from all the constant pain of trying to survive

Away from the never ending pressure to be perfect in an imperfect world

Fade away like the last breathe of a dying man, from the stranger she couldn’t recognise whenever she looked in the mirror

Fade away from a life she thought she wanted but one that was clearly so wrong for her it was so slowly sucking the lifeline out of her

Her hands hurt from all the pulling and the tugging

Her body couldn’t hold on any longer

Her heart was minutes away from bursting open

Her spirit, previously her strongest supporter, was fading away

She tried to hold on, just one more minute she thought , but sadly she didn’t receive anything and with nothing more to give

She let go and faded away


Love’s journey




She met him at a time in her life when she was feeling lost, when every turn she took led her to a world of more misery and more pain and all she wanted, all she hoped for was an abrupt end to it all. She would wander in the town after work, pitch black and cold to the bone looking for a sign or perhaps someone or something to make it all better.

She would look at the happy faces, clutching onto each other, looking into each other’s eyes with fascination, giving themselves over wholly while laughing like children during Christmas and she would weep. She would weep for the love she had given but never truly received, she would weep for the wishes lost on wishing stars and Santa, she would weep for the sickening emptiness that dragged her feet along every day, she would weep for her naive trusting self and the many broken pieces that were once a heart.

Solitude was her best friend; it afforded her the comfort of not allowing anyone to betray her. Music was the bridge across the walls she had built but heartbreaking ballads and sonnets ensured that she never walked across it, that and pouring her sadness into scribbling verse after verse of poetry nearly as dark as Edgar Allan Poe.

Routine kept her sane and she stayed clear of anything that elicited any other emotion other than melancholy and so it surprised her when she started looking forward to the visits of the sexy Spanish man in a black scarf at the cafe. Every time the bell rang after 4pm she would quickly glance at the door hoping to see him walk in. He would run his hand through his beautiful hair while flashing his perfect teeth in a smile that warmed her heart then proceed like a thoroughbred stallion towards his friends. In her eyes he was simply magnificent.

She wasn’t a beauty queen, hell she wasn’t anything special and so it surprised her when two years down the line he still looked at her, eyes full of fascination. She didn’t have much to offer but he wasn’t just looking to take but to give too and this helped her blossom. She was lost when she met him but he ensured that she remembered how wonderful it felt to be truly, deeply, madly loved.

Is it real?

What makes one love story different from another? How does one know when they find ‘the one’? How does one distinguish between being in love with someone with being in love with the idea of that someone? How can you tell if it’s true love? What the heck is true love anyway and is there such thing as ‘the one’?  Sadly if you are struggling with these questions, I can’t be of any help as I am not smart or stupid enough to pretend to be but if you are fortunate enough to find some answers kindly do a sister a favour and enlighten me.

I have been in love before but none of it ever felt right. I either had to work hard in the relationship, the love was unrequited, had to pretend to be what I am not so as to be liked or not to lose the other person, forgive cheating and lying partners because I did not want or didn’t know how to be alone, staying in a clearly abusive relationship because of fear of starting over or being the topic of gossip but worst of it was feeling like I didn’t deserve better. As fate would have it, against all odds I have been lucky enough to know how it feels to be truly loved by someone else other than mother dearest. Every time he tells me I am beautiful, I look around to see if there are cameras so I can confirm that it’s a prank and sometimes I even ask him if someone i.e my mother is paying him to say all those wonderful things that he mutters to me. I love the way he looks at me, his eyes shine and he smiles like he just won the lottery. You are my princess he says and loving you is an honour! See what I mean? Who says such things unless they are secretly trying to kidnap you for ransom or feed you to their snake pet and watch you scream? Luckily for me he has no pets (I double checked) and I am only rich in optimism so it’s not for ransom lol.

When I met him, I never imagined I will be writing anything other than ‘love is dead and it’s a sham’ about him at 5 in the morning but I am grateful that in some weird cosmic way our paths collided. I have always been a lone ranger but the other day I was a little stressed and when he called, no matter how much I tried to hide it, he could tell that I wasn’t okay. After endless attempts to deflect I gave in and poured my heart out. I was impressed at how good it felt to talk to him about my worries but the best part was when he told me not to fret because we will figure a way out. He didn’t give me the classics, ‘you will be fine, everything will be okay, how can I help’ etc but the fact that he saw my problem as our problem made me realise this is what Shakespeare, Lionel Richie, Whitney Houston and all the ballads you think about when you think about love were all about.

When he is sad and I am away, we talk about it but when I am with him, just hold me tight he says everything gets better when you embrace me. To know that someone sees you as their refuge, that to them you represent what home and that just the thought of you makes them smile for all the right and wrong reasons is truly a touch of heaven. If this isn’t what love is, then I don’t know. I may also not know what tomorrow holds but one thing is for certain, one lifetime is not enough to bask in the joy that he brings into my life but I will spend every second of it loving this wonderful man who sees my true colours and my flaws and still says, beautiful.

So how do you know when you find the one or if it’s true love? Well I think you just know.




Putting words on paper

Has always been second nature

But with you and a future

So strong, true not obscure

To lose is despair.


I want to profess

You and I, perfect mess

You treat me like a princess

But expect less

And for that I obsess.


I am but a plain Jane

With a heart tearstained

But with every beat

To you to be true

Never to make you blue.


In your arms, I am safe

In your thoughts, I reside

In your heart, I am home

In your actions, I reflect

By your side, I reign.



I guess this is the part that I should cry out loud,

The part that I hold onto my broken heart

while I stumble and tumble

Trying to find me,

Trying to find my way home

but end up calling you,

Begging you to please –

Please love me like you used to

Just a little bit more

I guess, I am not that weak anymore

Don’t judge me,

I know you know

We all know how it feels when we lose,

But we also know we have to choose

Whether to embrace the gloom

To live in a vacuum

Of our own making,

Or to assume

Our own happiness

Away from bleakness.

When you left,

I tortured myself with thoughts of you and I

I relived all the good times gone by

and bad times depending on how drunk I was

But I know as I was out there getting cold

You were buiding your life with someone unforetold

I could picture the two of you sitting in front of the fireplace

with flowers in the vase

that I bought you

Telling her jokes that I told you

While making promises to him

Promises that you still owe me

But that was then

I guess we were never meant to be

And if I am honest

I guess I am in a better place


She sat there
Cross legged
With nothing but his shirt on
The sleeves folded as they were way too big for her
A few front buttons undone
her hair held up in a clumsy bun
and a cup of fresh sweet smelling coffee
that he had just made for her

She sat there
Lost in thought
Wondering why he had to be so handsome
Why he had to be so nice and so irresistible
Sooner or later she knew whatever this was had to be stopped
She knew better than to fall too hard
Once bitten twice shy


Love was a luxury she couldn’t afford
So she did what she did best
She ran…
She ran so fast she could feel the wind drying her tears
She could hear him running after her
Shouting, pleading with her to stop
But the more he cried out for her
The faster she ran so she could drown his voice


She didn’t dare look back
She knew she couldn’t bear the look on his face
He had talked about the future many a times
He had everything figured out
From where they would grow old together
to names of the beautiful kids they would raise
But he had forgotten one bit of the puzzle


He had forgotten
that people like her didn’t know how to love
People like her didn’t know how to settle down
People like her were too broken to let anyone in
People like her didn’t believe in fairy tales
Happy ever afters always led to heartbreaks
and sadly she couldn’t survive through one more


When you hurt people who love you
More often than not you try and justify it.
You rarely take a moment
to imagine the pain they are going through
But when people hurt you
You make them the monsters
and torture yourself
While trying to look for answers as to why
and how they could betray you so


Forgetting the box full of broken hearts
Broken dreams, unfulfilled promises
False hope..
The box full of memories that you try so hard to hide


I never intended for your beautiful heart to end up in that box
Whenever I was with you, you made me feel whole
Walking away was not as easy as it might have seem
I cried myself to sleep every night
As the void was so painful and I wasn’t strong enough
Sometimes I hear your voice
and I can swear on seeing you in the corner of my eye
For a moment I remember what we could have been, what we should have been
Before I tore your heart out and walked away
Sometimes I ask myself why I did it
Why I foolishly chose to lose out on such a great love
Perhaps it was my pride


Perhaps it was the fear of loving someone so intensely it scared me
Perhaps it was how you filled my thoughts all the time
Perhaps it was the fear of losing myself in you
Perhaps you made me feel vulnerable
Perhaps it was the fear of losing self control
I am sorry for the pain I caused you
I am sorry for breaking you
I am sorry for breaking us