Tag Archive | PAIN

Love’s journey

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She met him at a time in her life when she was feeling lost, when every turn she took led her to a world of more misery and more pain and all she wanted, all she hoped for was an abrupt end to it all. She would wander in the town after work, pitch black and cold to the bone looking for a sign or perhaps someone or something to make it all better.

She would look at the happy faces, clutching onto each other, looking into each other’s eyes with fascination, giving themselves over wholly while laughing like children during Christmas and she would weep. She would weep for the love she had given but never truly received, she would weep for the wishes lost on wishing stars and Santa, she would weep for the sickening emptiness that dragged her feet along every day, she would weep for her naive trusting self and the many broken pieces that were once a heart.

Solitude was her best friend; it afforded her the comfort of not allowing anyone to betray her. Music was the bridge across the walls she had built but heartbreaking ballads and sonnets ensured that she never walked across it, that and pouring her sadness into scribbling verse after verse of poetry nearly as dark as Edgar Allan Poe.

Routine kept her sane and she stayed clear of anything that elicited any other emotion other than melancholy and so it surprised her when she started looking forward to the visits of the sexy Spanish man in a black scarf at the cafe. Every time the bell rang after 4pm she would quickly glance at the door hoping to see him walk in. He would run his hand through his beautiful hair while flashing his perfect teeth in a smile that warmed her heart then proceed like a thoroughbred stallion towards his friends. In her eyes he was simply magnificent.

She wasn’t a beauty queen, hell she wasn’t anything special and so it surprised her when two years down the line he still looked at her, eyes full of fascination. She didn’t have much to offer but he wasn’t just looking to take but to give too and this helped her blossom. She was lost when she met him but he ensured that she remembered how wonderful it felt to be truly, deeply, madly loved.

BETTER PLACE

I guess this is the part that I should cry out loud,

The part that I hold onto my broken heart

while I stumble and tumble

Trying to find me,

Trying to find my way home

but end up calling you,

Begging you to please –

Please love me like you used to

Just a little bit more

I guess, I am not that weak anymore

Don’t judge me,

I know you know

We all know how it feels when we lose,

But we also know we have to choose

Whether to embrace the gloom

To live in a vacuum

Of our own making,

Or to assume

Our own happiness

Away from bleakness.

When you left,

I tortured myself with thoughts of you and I

I relived all the good times gone by

and bad times depending on how drunk I was

But I know as I was out there getting cold

You were buiding your life with someone unforetold

I could picture the two of you sitting in front of the fireplace

with flowers in the vase

that I bought you

Telling her jokes that I told you

While making promises to him

Promises that you still owe me

But that was then

I guess we were never meant to be

And if I am honest

I guess I am in a better place

SHE RAN

She sat there
Cross legged
With nothing but his shirt on
The sleeves folded as they were way too big for her
A few front buttons undone
her hair held up in a clumsy bun
and a cup of fresh sweet smelling coffee
that he had just made for her

She sat there
Lost in thought
Wondering why he had to be so handsome
Why he had to be so nice and so irresistible
Sooner or later she knew whatever this was had to be stopped
She knew better than to fall too hard
Once bitten twice shy

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Love was a luxury she couldn’t afford
So she did what she did best
She ran…
She ran so fast she could feel the wind drying her tears
She could hear him running after her
Shouting, pleading with her to stop
But the more he cried out for her
The faster she ran so she could drown his voice

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She didn’t dare look back
She knew she couldn’t bear the look on his face
He had talked about the future many a times
He had everything figured out
From where they would grow old together
to names of the beautiful kids they would raise
But he had forgotten one bit of the puzzle

 

He had forgotten
that people like her didn’t know how to love
People like her didn’t know how to settle down
People like her were too broken to let anyone in
People like her didn’t believe in fairy tales
Happy ever afters always led to heartbreaks
and sadly she couldn’t survive through one more

PERHAPS

When you hurt people who love you
More often than not you try and justify it.
You rarely take a moment
to imagine the pain they are going through
But when people hurt you
You make them the monsters
and torture yourself
While trying to look for answers as to why
and how they could betray you so

 

Forgetting the box full of broken hearts
Broken dreams, unfulfilled promises
False hope..
The box full of memories that you try so hard to hide

 

I never intended for your beautiful heart to end up in that box
Whenever I was with you, you made me feel whole
Walking away was not as easy as it might have seem
I cried myself to sleep every night
As the void was so painful and I wasn’t strong enough
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Sometimes I hear your voice
and I can swear on seeing you in the corner of my eye
For a moment I remember what we could have been, what we should have been
Before I tore your heart out and walked away
Sometimes I ask myself why I did it
Why I foolishly chose to lose out on such a great love
Perhaps it was my pride

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Perhaps it was the fear of loving someone so intensely it scared me
Perhaps it was how you filled my thoughts all the time
Perhaps it was the fear of losing myself in you
Perhaps you made me feel vulnerable
Perhaps it was the fear of losing self control
I am sorry for the pain I caused you
I am sorry for breaking you
I am sorry for breaking us

HELP ME FORGET

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I don’t know who you are

But it doesn’t really matter

I don’t know where you are going

But I really don’t care

As long as you take me away

Far, FAR away from here

While you are at it

Please don’t make any pit stops

Till we are far away

As I don’t want to think of any memories I made in this town

I just need you to make it stop

Please, please, please make it stop

I have no idea how much longer I can hold on

The pain is too much I cannot withstand it

It hurts so bad that it forces me to my knees

If I could, I would pull this heart right out

Because It not only hurts so much

But it also hurts with every breathe I take

And if you can’t make it stop

At least help me forget

DROWNING

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For how long are we going to play this heartbreaking game?

I cannot keep the door open any longer

In the hope that you will come back sooner than later.

I cannot suffer any more because of you

While you claim to be trying to finding yourself

in Ann, Eve, Chantelle, Angie and Faith or is it Flora.

For how long will this stupid thing beat for you?

I try to keep it distracted with pain

So it can be too pre – occupied for you

Therefore I perform self – distracting activities

And when that doesn’t work

I embrace my dearest friends alcohol and drugs

Who dutifully make me numb

Numb is good, numb is bliss

But numb wears off and I am overwhelmed

As all the emotions I had tried to evade

Come rushing down like a broken water well

And right there and then

I’m drowned

LIVE WITH PAIN

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Many a times I have tried to mask my pain

I say ‘my’ because I have owned the pain

I tried to run away from it

Thought if I ran as fast as I could then I wouldn’t feel a thing

But then with every increased heart rate

I felt like someone was breaking every single bone inside me

 

How can someone I love so dearly and intensely

Hurt me so gravely without a care

I just want to run away

Run away to a world where no one knows me

My heart bleeds profusely

I might run out of band aids soon

As the bleeding doesn’t seem to be subsidising

Somebody save me…anyone, please

 

I don’t want to feel this way anymore

But I’m afraid if I let go of this pain

I might lose her; I don’t want to lose her

I refuse to lose her…no I am petrified of losing her

As she means the world to me

Besides, how will I live without her

Love is all about exposing yourself to a possibility of being hurt and broken

Mama used to tell me

What she didn’t tell me

Was how to live with the excruciating pain